Today's post deviates a bit from the normal "informative" posts I put up. I want to talk about that feeling of being left behind in the writing community because I think a lot of writers go through low phases. I hope that my experience can bring some encouragement.
For context, I started writing in 2018. I'd dabbled in stories prior, but nothing ever got past the first few chapters. That is, until I learned that outlining was a thing.
I've made no secret that COVID lockdown was actually a really productive time for me. Of course, I would rather have been able to go out and about, but it was the first time I was paid to write full time.
I was SO productive. I wrote/completed seven books between 2020 and 2021. During lockdown, I outlined and revised and made content. I connected with other writers. Those habits and connections carried over even when I went back to my day job.
The downside was that I was stuck in a relationship that didn't prioritize my dreams for years. I didn't notice during 'Rona because there were so many hours in the day to focus on my work - and because of CERB, I was actually getting paid for it. But when it came down to it, when life went back to normal, that free time shortened, and suddenly I was back in charge of the household management, scheduling, planning outings, paying bills (because I was the only one working at the time).
And then I realized that I needed change.
I had nothing at that point (no money, nowhere to go, no idea what would happen), except the knowledge that where I was wasn't working. So I upended what I knew to venture into, what I hoped, would be improvements.
But first I crashed.
I have a different post on here about where I went. The short of it is I was depressed and lonely and reeling, and I didn't touch writing for almost a year. I had no energy to do much more than just get through each day. The worst of it was that I had so much free time, but I had no desire to even try to use it for books.
Through it all, I tried to stay connected to my writing community.
Now, there's an important caveat to add here: I will always, always be happy for my friends' successes. I watched them start projects and finish them, I watched them get agented, I watched book deals land. I was so happy for those things.
At the same time, it hurt. All I could think about was how I wasn't there. I wasn't progressing and no one missed me. I would never reach my goal of publishing because I couldn't write more than one bad sentence a day.
Soon enough, all those friends would be Big Deal Authors, and they'd keep me along for the ride because they're all amazing people, but ultimately I had nothing to offer. There was no reason for me to be among such greatness when I couldn't even focus long enough to finish a book.
I started to dread opening Instagram for that reason. There were so many successes that felt like a reminder of the time I was losing. The spots in the industry that were narrowing down the longer I spent wallowing.
It was a terrible downward spiral. I knew, logically, it wasn't true. I could rationalize with myself all day long. But that didn't stop the thoughts from coming, and it certainly didn't stop that pit in my stomach.
I just had to keep telling myself it was a "phase", even if it didn't feel that way. At least then I had something to look forward to.
Sure enough, I clawed my way out eventually. It took longer than I would have liked. Even then, my work was a shell of what I used to be able to do. It took me weeks to finish what I used to be able to do in a day. (Let me just say: skill regression is a real thing, and it doesn't mean you suddenly have no talent or knowledge.) I'm still building my work back up.
Some of what helped me was remembering that I started writing because I loved it, not because I needed to do anything with it. I also had to remind myself that being a "writer" wasn't contingent on putting pen on paper each day. It wasn't a title looming around a corner laughing until I finished a story I'd put down months before.
I was a writer. Because I loved to write. Because I had written. And when the time was right, I'd pick it back up again. It didn't matter if that was in a year or five years or ten years.
One thought that kept me going through it all was to consider:
If an agent picked up my book tomorrow and it sold at auction immediately and I was suddenly in contract and on deadline for my books, would I be able to handle that?
The answer was no. I wasn't in a place to have that success. And, in fact, I didn't want it. That thought tempered my need to speed up. I wanted to take the time to get my stories in the right place, where I was happy with them and I'd be content if someone I didn't know was to read them.
It's really hard to be in limbo between that joy for others and sorrow for yourself. If there's anything therapy has taught me it's that conflicting emotions can exist at the same time, both things can be true. It doesn't make them any less real.
I think about it often now. I'm publishing this year and I've started my editing business. Things that, even a year ago, I wouldn't have had the mental capacity to even consider. I wonder every time I post about who is reading my celebrations and worrying they'll get left behind.
If that's you, please let me offer some encouragement: You're doing better than you think. It's okay to take things slow. There will always be space for you at the table.
Take the time while you have it. Because once it's gone, you can't get it back. It's still a great career to write to publish, but it's a lot harder to find that freedom in story. Where you can write on some days and not others. Where there are no expectations or needs.
Enjoy writing for writing's sake. Honestly, the only way to fail at it is to give up.
You're doing great. It'll get better. Vary personal expectations around where you're at and not where you think you should be. A sentence a day still adds up to a book.
If you're feeling this way or you're struggling, please do reach out. Sometimes it can be helpful to commiserate with others, and I'm happy to cheer you on.
You go writer. <3